I have been fasting since sunset yesterday, no food, no water, just taking my time and allowing myself to talk freely to God. I have fasted numerous times before but never like this. This fast was different because it is not about a petition list, it’s simply to talk to God in; thankfulness, faithfulness and guidance are my themes.
If I was to tell my life story right now I would probably be a poster child for Social Services or some other government agency but I am actually happy, I am surrounded by happiness and my life is taken care of. There are times that I ask myself if it’s real because I simply can not accept that my God provides for me. I am living on grace and faith alone and it scares me. It scares me because there are people who are asking why is it that miracles do not happen like they use to in the Bible, but I am living witness that they do. I am taken care of, well taken care of. I live in a nice home, surrounding by a great family who loves me and sometimes I want to walk away because I don’t know why I am so blessed when I am not the most Christian person. I don’t have a lot yet at the same time I have everything and more, all provided by a God who loves me using people who love me and for that I have to be thankful everyday.
With thankfulness comes faithfulness and that is one of my weakest points. I know that God has provided for me and will continue to provide for me but my humanity prevent me from being faithful to Him so I think because of that He won’t be faithful to me. Yesterday, I got some packages in the mail telling me to be prepared for school in September, if you have ever been a student you know how much excitement the first week of school can bring. The excitement of meeting new friends “maybe even a boyfriend” reuniting with old friends, new classes, new programs, new professors, it’s simply indescribable but the excitement only lasted for a few minutes for me. As I browsed through the colourful pages and my mind began to wonder how would I be able to pay for everything and will everything be done on time. Tuitions are due on the 9th of August, that’s right I have six more days left but that’s not even the big issue. I also began to think about my class schedules, transportation, passing my classes and if the sky will still be blue and will the birds still be singing, that was my mind, in five minutes I went from excited to worrying. I was starting to worry so much that I even asked if I was allowed a meltdown or two if things didn’t work out. I have been through worse situations before and God always stepped right in on time but I didn’t trust His ability to work miracles like He has done in my life.
When I decided to fats last night, I had no idea how long it would last or even what I would really be praying and fasting for; all I knew was that I needed God to know that I was scared. I needed to tell God that I was unsure about the future and that He needed to guide me. The most important part however, would be allowing myself to be guided. Allowing God to guide my steps have never been easy and I doubt that one day of prayer and fasting would change that. I honestly just want to rely on God but at times I have decided that I am a better driver and then I crash and have to start all over again. This day of fasting was to ask for strength to take His answers for what they are; YES, NO, WAIT, and that’s not always easy.
I didn’t have a plan of what to say or what to read I simply allowed my spirit to be led, I spoke to a friend today who was also fasting so that sort of gave me the support that I needed. It’s difficult not eating or drinking anything for a day, I am dog sitting and their dog food is appealing to me right now lol, I do think that all things will work together for good because that’s what was promised to be.
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9